A number of years ago I wrote a blog post about Qi Vampires. That attracted a lot of people to me, brought in a lot of business because everyone could identify at least one person in their life whom I described. I thought with the current environment my clients and I are experiencing, it was time to revisit this topic. You see, the current environment I speak of is this bizarro world that the Trump era has opened up. Before Trump invited these people to come out of the closet, so to speak, of course we all experienced toxicity in our relationships and the occasional Qi Vampire. That hasn’t changed except now the veil has been lifted and some really dangerous  and ugly people have been wearing their hatred and nastiness proudly, like a badge. It’s lead to some really scary altercations and conversations between people who don’t see eye to eye. I wanted to let every reader know that we are ALL experiencing this! YOU ARE NOT ALONE! And what we all also have in common is a need to understand, empathize, and deal with these people in our lives. Generally speaking, my clients do not know how to effectively accomplish this feat, so I wanted to make this post specifically about identifying toxic people, Qi Vampires, and some tips on managing conversations and encounters with them. Ultimately, we have to decide whether we want to engage with people who are fundamentally on a different hemisphere than us. I want to help you to determine where to place your time, energy, and consideration. Thoughts are SO important -- don’t waste your thoughts on people who seek to suck that energy from you and don’t give you any in return.

First: how do we identify a Qi Vampire? Basically, Qi (Chi) is the Chinese term for Life Force, that same energy runs through us all. We are all made of the same energy, the God-force in us all gives us the power to manipulate that energy how we see fit. Once we understand this, it’s empowering, and it lifts the veil when we truly get it - we create our own reality, and we are all powerful. So when I call someone a Qi Vampire, does it make the description more clear if you can imagine a person who sucks the energy from you (like a vampire drinks blood) and leaves you feeling drained, less powerful, your mood altered? You can conjure this person up in your mind right now. We all know someone like this, or have known them. They’re the person who calls you and tries to draw you into their latest drama. You listen and offer feedback because you care about this person or at least want to make a show of being respectful, but that criticism never moves past one ear to the Qi Vampire. In other words, they’re talking to you to vent and not actually seeking help for their constant situations. They use your energy because you’ve been known to give it to them before. Others, perhaps, have drawn a line in the sand and created boundaries, have rejected them. They might even flatter you by complimenting your listening skills, your ability to always be there for them when they need you. This is how they trick you into listening to another episode of Drama City. 

A toxic person can be a Qi Vampire, and vice versa, but they’re also mutually exclusive. A toxic person is someone who is subconsciously (sometimes consciously!) manipulating you, harming you, or deceiving you in order to benefit themselves in some way. Lots of people with genuine mental disorders fall into this category like narcissists and sociopaths and manic-depressives or bipolars. But there are also plenty of people who are just straight toxic and they have no medical issues to attribute their behaviors to. I’m not saying people who have a legit mental illness deserve a pass, but at least their behaviors are justified/qualified by something they can’t really control. These people need to be handled with kid gloves, if you choose to associate with them (a lot of times these are our family members we must “deal with”) but it’s completely up to you whom you choose to cut out of your life due to their toxicity. This is the important point here: we must learn to discern who is preventing us from elevating our own situations and personal evolution, and who is bringing us down or keeping us stagnant. When there’s no balance of energy exchange, we must create boundaries. Toxic people manifest in myriad ways. Some theoretical examples:

• Your hypochondriac grandmother, who manipulates those around her into caring for her various ailments, excusing her from participating in events or household duties, and elicits sympathy from anyone who will listen to her complain.
  
• Your ex-boyfriend who drove you away from the relationship with his behavior but keeps orbiting well after the relationship has ended. He threatens suicide if you won’t take his phone calls, yet tells everyone who will listen what a crazy bitch you are and how much you hurt him.
  
• Your co-worker who causes drama within the workplace, makes things uncomfortable for you if you side with or even associate with those she perceives are “against her”. She may even bring you into HR as an ally, compromising your own position within the company. You dread going into work knowing she’s there waiting to pounce and tell you all the minute details of her latest personal affront. 
  
• Your drug addicted father who has run up credit lines and bills in his kids’ names, destroying their own reputations. He is a grown man who cannot stand on his own two feet and expects his children to bail him out of his self-created situations. When his children refuse their help he stonewalls them, cuts them out of his life (until he needs help again), or punishes them. He panics when his support system is threatened. He blames his issues (including addiction) on outside influences and other people.
  
• Your childhood best friend who has repeated the same relationship patterns throughout her adult life, and expects you to support her decisions. Every new relationship is exciting and different, yet you know it’s the same relationship in a new body. She may disappear from social life while things are good, then reappear as soon as the shit hits the fan. She expects you to take her phone calls at all hours, come and console her as she cries over the latest fight or breakup, and refuses to listen to your advice (even when you suggest she seek counseling rather than consult you). Especially then. Toxic people never seek self-reflection, and are scared to death to discuss their own glaringly obvious issues with anyone who will put it to them straight. When someone refuses to consider counseling, that’s the biggest red flag to alert you that you are dealing with a toxic person.
  

Time to share a personal experience! And yes, that last example of toxic people is a direct cause for me revisiting this topic today. You see, over a decade ago I had a coworker whom I became very close with. We went through a number of challenging situations together, including her husband (#2) attempting to cheat on her with me, same husband (#2) actually having an affair with his secretary - my high school friend, her divorce and subsequent relationships, and her children ALL (3) choosing to cut her out of their lives one by one. The kids identified her as a  toxic person well before it occurred to me that the greatest common denominator in all her myriad issues is HER. When your own children turn their back on you, that’s pretty intense. I did feel sorry for her, I admit, throughout the many years we were close. But I also quickly felt drained by just being around her. Every day she was on the phone with me wanting to discuss in detail all the shit she’d been through that day. We went over and over the same situations, and she never changed tack or tried out my suggestions (and believe me, I had plenty). She’d ask me to go out for a beer and then proceed to get falling-down drunk every time. This became a pretty much daily exercise for us to hit the bar after work, and of course that’s not a good habit for me, either. 
After rehashing the same situations and advice she ignored for the umpteenth time, after she introduced me to a man I ended up marrying (starter marriage - doesn’t count!), I was enlightened by my husband, who pointed out how much time and energy I was spending helping her out, and actually I wasn’t helping her anyway; I was enabling her. I began to be resentful of it, and was relieved when she transferred to Oklahoma and she was effectively out of my life. Now I didn’t have to run into her at work, or join her for beers, and I could pretend to be busier than I was with that physical distance between us. But….Facebook. Through that social media medium she was able to keep that connection, and frequently posted on my page or sent me PMs when she couldn’t contact me on the phone. I recall giving it to her straight one night when I was in my cups, and she went off on me like you wouldn’t believe. Called me every name in the book, pointed out all of my flaws and mistakes, insulted me; you name it. She effectively burned that bridge, and all I felt was RELIEF. But I noticed she didn’t block me, nor did I block her. I’m not a blocker, unless you’re actively harassing me. 
Fast-forward to last year: after several years of no contact, didn’t even really think about her much if at all, and I get this FB message from her. First thing I noticed was that she didn’t address our falling out, not at all. She basically just said she’d been dreaming about me lately and wanted to reach out. I responded that I recalled our last conversation as pretty much a flame war towards me, and where was the acknowledgement of that? I was asking for an apology, but I didn’t get one. Instead, she glossed over it and proceeded to tell me about all her problems with husband number 4 or 5 (Frankly, I’ve lost count!). She also told me she couldn’t be my FB friend because someone we once associated with (the secretary #3 had the affair with) might gleen some information about her (??? I know - made no sense to me either). First of all, that bitch has me blocked, so….Anyway...I wasn’t particularly looking forward to reconnecting with her in any sphere, so I let it go. I asked her in my last message whom she was referring to when she threw a name my way I didn’t recognize. She didn’t answer…..
Until last week. Again, no acknowledgement of our last exchange, which went nowhere. Just started asking me if I professionally counseled families dealing with a certain brain disorder. I said I didn’t but was interested in educating myself about the disease as it somewhat pertained to people in my family. She responded by telling me cryptic things about what she’s dealing with, all the while describing herself as the person with this condition but not outright saying so. I was very confused. I then asked her to be more clear: are you asking me to give you marriage counseling? Because she was asking me marital advice. She said no she wasn’t interested in counseling for herself and #5; she wanted my perspective because #5 is Hispanic and so am I. Again...very confused, but I responded that HAD she come to me for advice beforehand, I would have advised her not to get married again, and certainly not to a man whose loyalties still lie with his mother instead of his wife. Big no-no! Please do not make this mistake, Ladies. As soon as that man puts a ring on your finger, he transfers his loyalty and your relationship decisions should NEVER be deprioritized. BIG RED FLAG! I digress….I truly thought I was giving her sound advice, not trying to be insulting or anything, just plain talk like she knows to expect from me. My replies to her were very brief, because I consciously did not want to give away my time and energy to her. If she’s offering to pay me for my work and expertise, that’s different, but she clearly said she wasn’t seeking my professional help so….Drew the boundary line there. Her response was off the handle, insulting me, asking me what was wrong with ME that I would say that to her, blahdiblah. I wasn’t having it. Left her on Read. She tried to draw me in again and I left that on Read as well. Here’s the kicker: in the interim I found myself devoting my time and energy to this situation and kicking myself because I let down my walls even temporarily for someone I know to be extremely toxic. I found myself taking down notes on how to respond to her message, and then I got mad at myself for even doing that much. Why respond to her at all? Her next message came a couple days after that, telling me she hopes I will listen to her because my (family member) is crying out for help. Wait -- what?? I didn’t share anything personal with her about this family member. I simply said she had similar symptoms that I’d like to learn more about. That’s it. Well...that did it for me. I cannot respond to her; to do so would be inviting more of this exchange, and this after she outright attacked me (again). NOPE! Bye, Felicia! 

So, all of this to say I experience these toxic people, too. These Qi Vampires. I’m able to deal with and recognize them more easily and quicker than before only because of my training. And I still (almost) fell for her classic tricks. ALMOST. So now you ask, how do I deal with these people? I’ve already shown you some of how to identify them. But how do you cope?

First, I want you to analyze the relationship directly by removing yourself from the situation as much as possible. Take yourself out of the equation and imagine your very best friend, your partner, or your child/parent in your own role. I want you to ask yourself if you saw this toxic person behaving towards your loved one as they display to you, what would you advise your loved one to do about it? This can be very helpful in putting things into perspective. And then while you’re still in this outsider’s perspective mode, ask yourself what are the real-world consequences involved in choosing to either (1) draw boundaries with the toxic person, or (2) cut them out of your life altogether? Like, is this person a coworker who doesn’t affect your personal life and can be cut off with impunity? Or is this toxic person a close, intimate person in your life with whom it would be extremely difficult to have a relationship with if you either put your foot down or effectively broke up with altogether? Will you have to see this person at family or friend gatherings, or do you live in the same house? This changes things. Either way, determine what the consequences are and what is within your comfort zone to do.

Second, decide what your boundaries are. If you’re not going to cut this person out of your life, then what are you willing to put up with, and what are you not willing to put up with? Make these points clear, because you’re going to communicate these points with that person the next time they try to suck your Qi. That sounds dirty, but I promise it’s unintentional (smile). Some  examples: (1) Limit phone calls/conversations to 20 minutes, 3 days per week, max. (2) We cannot discuss your relationship/addiction/drama. At all. (3) If behavior continues, I will have no choice but to cut ties (giving prior warning). These examples may or may not fit your situation, so tweak at will. Alternately, if you have decided TO cut ties with the toxic person, you need to plan out the breakup discussion. Ensure you are both in a safe space where it’s less likely the person can cause a scene or likewise have the privacy to discuss sensitive matters. Public but not overly public is the best bet. Have notes ready to discuss the key points you choose to ou make. Tell them with direct examples of several notable occurrences where you’ve felt personally harmed or manipulated, and let them know you value yourself above all, so these things cannot be allowed to ever happen again. Assure them that you care for their welfare, but the best way they can help themselves is to seek counseling from a professional who is trained to guide their individual issues to elimination. 

Third, for those whom you choose to keep in your life, after you’ve established and communicated your clear boundaries to them, show consistency. They WILL test you, and try to toe the line. It’s up to you to confront the occurrence and remind them that behavior will not be tolerated, and if they value your relationship they will reel it back in. With ALL toxic people and Qi Vampires, what happens when you turn them away is they will simply seek another host. Don’t feel guilty about this, because you are not responsible for anyone else’s dilemmas. That new host will have to draw the same boundaries. YOU are choosing to respect yourself and value your time and energy, and people learn from example. Create an example by showing up for yourself constantly! The best part of this process is, the more we practice valuing ourselves, the more quality people will be magnetically drawn to us. Toxic people learn to read energy - that’s how they found us in the first place - because they sensed in us a willing host. Teach others not to see you as someone who can be manipulated, abused, or undervalued. Quality people will gravitate toward you because they also sense in you a person they want to be around. And I know we all want to attract quality people! Right? 

On my Facebook page @Newhorizonslifetherapy, I will be posting some Q&As my followers have brought to me, specifically about toxic people and Qi Vampires. If you have a situation you need advice on, PM me through here, the FB page, or e-mail me at newhorizonslifetherapy@gmail.com, and I will respond on my Facebook page, keeping you and your issue anonymous (I may change identifying details for your privacy’s sake). Hit me with those questions! ​

At the start of every new year, thousands, if not millions, of people form resolutions. To put these simply, they are generic goals or promises to one's self that people "resolve" to complete or stick to throughout the calendar year. While the idea of a resolution is good, and positive in theory, how one formulates these resolutions oftentimes creates or breaks the resolution. Remember that old adage "Fail to plan, plan to fail"? I see this occur with resolutions everywhere I look. There are several problems with resolution-keeping people tend to make, and I will address them while teaching you how to remedy them, and create your own lasting resolutions. 
RESOLUTION PROBLEM: *Generic, open-ended statements* - As the graphic on this blog shows, usually people will choose resolutions like "lose weight," "quit smoking," and "become debt-free." All well and good, but what these resolutions fail to address are the details, the specifics, which are crucial to goal-setting and eventual success in completion. 
You see, it's not enough to openly state an intention and just expect it to manifest without action or any cooperation on your part to see it through. The reason goals fail is usually because they fail to specify these details. When you fail to plan the follow-through, what you will normally see as a result is, "hey, it's November, and instead of losing weight, I've gained 5 pounds at Thanksgiving Break, and my gym membership has seen a month's worth of log-ins." Then you cram to get those 5 pounds shed, and adding 1 extra pound of loss, you will have technically completed your goal. But where are you, really? Now you've paid for a gym membership that has been virtually wasted, and you're looking at another year of yet another vague resolution.


RESOLUTION SOLUTION TIP #1: *Define resolution using specific details - how, when, why, where?* - It's fine to want to prioritize losing weight this year, but here is what you need to define: *how* will I lose this weight? *what* will I change in my life to be successful at this endeavor? *how much* weight will I plan to lose? *when* will I have completed this weight loss?  Fix this now, while the resolution is still fresh in your mind. A more reasonable resolution along this vein would be: "I will take 30-minute walks at night, 3 times a week, and use a calorie-counter app on my phone to manage my caloric intake (goal: 1800 cals per day), with the intention to lose 15 pounds this year. By December 31st, 2013, I will weigh 135 lbs. or less, and will have made walking a regular part of my schedule." Do you see the difference? In this goal-related statement, you have addressed the how, the how much, the when, and the what. This statement can be easily modified to fit your lifestyle preferences and goal you want to accomplish. It is up to YOU (yes: you - the responsible one) to do the research needed to fill in the blanks of *HOW* you will accomplish this goal. 


RESOLUTION SOLUTION TIP #2: *Create reminders, bug yourself* - No, I'm not encouraging you to nag yourself; chances are you have a mother gung ho to do that for you already. I'm asking you to hold yourself accountable by prioritizing your resolution by having it constantly on your mind. How do we do that? Any way that works for you! Something that works for a lot of women is to tape mantras or encouraging messages in places they will see it constantly - the bathroom mirror, the fridge, the answering machine, the dashboard, etc. Men tend to dip into their wallets throughout the day - so why not give yourself a reminder on your debit card, checkbook, or taped to cash? This trick won't work for everybody, but for those who are finding themselves consistently using the "I forgot" excuse, this may be one to try. It's easy to go through your day and get caught up in everything, so by the time it's 10 PM and you're ready to relax or hit the sack, you can easily excuse yourself for not working out - you'll do it tomorrow, right? But if, throughout your day, no matter how much activity you have going on, you see reminders to yourself "have you run today?" posted on your keyboard, "did you drink your protein shake today?" posted on your cabinet, then you're more likely to trigger the habit. Use reminders until whatever you want to accomplish becomes so ingrained in your daily schedule you no longer need them. Eventually, with enough work, this will occur naturally. If taking a 2-mile run is your goal, then you will find yourself making excuses for another priority, with time; maybe finishing the Sports section in the newspaper isn't as important anymore, because you're too busy going for a run. Now, you've got the hang of it.


RESOLUTION SOLUTION TIP #3: *Visualize your accomplishments* - My personal favorite trick of manifestation is to use visualization. I accomplish this in two major ways: my vision board and my visualization meditations. Do you have a vision board? If so, you may not need to be reminded of the many ways a vision board helps to create. But you may want to review this anyway. If not, why not have some fun with the rest of us? If you're not having fun with your imagination, chances are you won't generate enough good energy to manifest, so it really does pay to daydream! There are many sources on the Internet to teach you how to create your vision board or look at others for ideas, but it's important that this be your own. You're not trying to make a carbon copy of someone else's dreams. This is all about you. My own personal vision board is in sight when I work, as it hangs just at eye level above my computer at my desk. Half of it is a write-on board, and half is a corkboard. The write-on half is something I write my yearly goals on (very specific ones!) every December 31 before midnight. It's become a ritual of mine. Throughout the year, as I accomplish my goals, I cross them off and give verbal and written thanks for my dreams coming true. I can't tell you how fulfilling it is, come December, to see everything ticked off, even if the board looks a mess! It's a personal message to myself saying look at how much I made happen this year. The corkboard is filled with pinned-up photos and mantras that are somehow important to me in my goals. There are photos of places I wish to travel to soon, inspiring images, and quotes or statements that I have found particularly useful to me. It doesn't take long to put a vision board together, but it can really make the difference in your manifesting.
Visualizing through meditation is equally important, if not moreso. I make sure to take the time nearly every day to really imagine my goals as accomplished, to feel what it (would) feel like to have something in particular, and to give thanks in advance. Again, the process of visualizing effectively can be researched to your heart's content, but I'd suggest reading a book like _Wishes Fulfilled_ by Dr. Wayne Dyer, or an Abraham-Hicks publication, perhaps _Ask and It Is Given_ as a starter. Both go into great detail about using visualization practices to manifest your dreams.
(Side note: this is something that my clients and I go over on a personal basis, through counseling!)


RESOLUTION SOLUTION TIP #4: *Schedule it in - make time for your dreams!* - Buy yourself a daily planner, invest in a big write-in desk calendar, an app on your phone, or anything else that is most useful to you to schedule your appointments. Dole out mini-goals monthly, weekly, and daily, if need be. One thing I like to do is make a generalized "I'd like to be here ____" statement for the month, then parcel out tasks by week or day during that month to get me where I want to be. For instance, my personal February goal statement is to get started on a new fitness endeavor - Wing Chung. But I know it's not good enough to say to myself, I want to have started my Wing Chung practice this coming month. No, I need to task it out in pieces. So, in my personal planner, I have carved out time in my schedule 3 time per week to practice. Because it's important to me, I have *made* the time for it, and since I look at my calendar(s) on a daily basis, I am constantly aware of what's ahead for me that day, that week. To me, this is enough of a reminder (I don't need to nag myself, but I am practiced - it's OK not to be yet). I have chosen days to practice martial arts that aren't bogged down with 100 other activities - in other words, they are days that my toddler is at school, days my Insanity fitness workouts are more laid-back or on break, and I don't have outside appointments to crowd my time. I have planned for this goal to be accomplished so I know I will not fail myself. It really is that easy!


RESOLUTION SOLUTION TIP #5: *Reward yourself when accomplishment has been met* - Whether it be incremental accomplishments or the finalization of the bigger goal, you need to provide yourself with motivating rewards. Gratitude is enough for some people - to me, I am happy crossing things off my "bucket list" - I get intense satisfaction from a checkmark, a strikethrough, and a "thank you - done!" statement. Others need treats, and that is great! Whatever works. So if your goal is to stop smoking, and you have done the legwork listed above, and you have gone say, 10 days, without a cigarette, then by all means, treat yourself. Have you saved $20 in that 10-day period by not buying packs of cigarettes? Consider using that $20 to buy something on your "want" list (not "need") that shows off your accomplishment. A new shirt you've been admiring, a 30-minute massage, a dinner out at your favorite restaurant. Whatever is good for you that makes you happy and marks the occasion will work. So that next time you hit a milestone, you know you can look forward to another reward. You can plan for these, too. (With the money I would have spent on cigarettes, I am putting it aside in this envelope, and when it reaches $200, I am booking that hotel in Kansas City and spending the weekend away from home). It's up to you to figure out what motivates you to keep going. 


RESOLUTION SOLUTION TIP #6: *Repeat: A slip-up does not mean give up!* - It's human nature; sometimes we just fall short of our own expectations. It's nothing to beat yourself up over. And if you fall off the horse, the only thing that's unacceptable is to continue to lie there on the ground and be consumed. Trite as it sounds, you have to pick yourself back up and get back on that horse. OK, so you were cigarette-free for a month, had an extremely trying day, and reverted back to old habits. Three cigarettes later, you're feeling like a failure, and your throat burns. You're sure your family can smell the defeat from you. Luckily for you, that smell goes away with a good mouthwash and a laundry day. And your failure is only made up by your willingness to persist in your progress. Throw the pack away and start afresh, not tomorrow - right now. You can't take back the mistake; it's in the past. The only thing to do is move forward with increased resolve. So your counter has been reset, but you still have the same chance of success. 
If it's been four days since you've last run on the treadmill and you're sitting on the couch eating Doritos watching The Biggest Loser - hey, join the club. :) We've been there, too. Those of us who have become workout fanatics know that you never finish a workout by saying "I wish I hadn't done that." Doesn't happen. You always (always!) feel better for having done it, no matter if it was a 20-minute walk around the neighborhood, or a 90-minute weight-training session with Tony Horton. It's difficult to get started, but just like everything else, once it becomes a habit, it makes you feel better all over. So, no matter what your goal is, no matter what you've done to sabotage yourself, it's never too late to turn it around and get back to work. Come December, you'll thank yourself for staying committed. 


The best part of completing your resolutions is looking forward to your next one, knowing you made a promise to yourself, you stuck through it, and you've seen the end result. That sort of power manipulates itself into a desire for more proof that you can do whatever your mind is set on, and more goals emerge. It seems the more we accomplish, the more we desire to accomplish; it is addictive, and a healthy addiction at that! So go have fun with your resolutions, and take control of your life. You'll be so glad you did.

Relationship counseling can be an effective tool in learning to heal what ails one's partnership. Unfortunately, a lot of couples are choosing to attend counseling as a last resort to "save" a disastrous relationship that, more times than not, is truly not worth salvaging. The question, then, is how does one know when a relationship is healthy and worthwhile, or its inverse: unhealthy and better left behind? Let's explore the facets of both.

A healthy relationship has these characteristics which center around EQUALITY: (1) Sexual Safety, (2) Financial/Economic Sufficiency, (3) Negotiation and Fairness, (4) Responsible Parenting, (5) Non-Threatening Behavior, (6) Trust and Support, (7) Connections With Others, and (8) Honesty and Accountability. 

In this article, we will discuss the inclusion (= healthy relationship) as well as the exclusion (= unhealthy relationship) of these characteristics.

Sexual Safety - This one's pretty obvious. It means your partner (male or female) is not attempting sexual behavior by force, or by guilt. A healthy sexual relationship implies that you both are willing and able to attend to each other's needs, and (hopefully) are excited to do so.
If sex is the only thing holding your fragile relationship together, perhaps it's best to reevaluate your role in each other's life. And doesn't it go without saying that if someone is manipulating sexual favors from you, they're not worthy of  any of your favors?

Financial/Economic Sufficiency - It doesn't matter if one of you is the "breadwinner" or how much income one or both of you bring home. What does matter is that financial responsibilities are shared in a way that is pleasing to both parties. Maybe your partner works full-time outside of the house while you stay home with the kids. That's perfectly fine. But there needs to be a give and take. Perhaps you could have the responsibility of actually "paying" the bills, or setting up the accounts to do so, balancing the checkbook, managing the household economics, etc., and your partner does his share of work raising the children. If that means he or she takes the kids to school, arranges babysitting, attends their extracurricular activities, or helps them pick up their toys at night, whatever you as a family provider need is up for consideration. The point is that a fair balance is maintained and each partner feels they are doing their share of work and contribution for the betterment of the family unit. If both partners work, this could simply mean that you have found a division of income to utilize for household economics that works for you both. If you aren't domestic partners, this could mean that you both are paying for dates, or financially maintaining the relationship in equitable ways. For the more old-fashioned couples who believe that the man should pay for all the dates, ask yourself as a woman, what are you doing for him that balances that load? Consider making him dinner at your house once in a while, surprising him with small gifts that show you appreciate him, or alleviate some of his decision-making by suggesting dates rather than forcing him to manage everything.

Negotiation and Fairness - This can compromise many components in a relationship, but it is general in its meaning. Every partnership comes with its own set of challenges, as we are each our own person, different in tastes, styles, likes, dislikes, hobbies, emotional maturity, and experiences. We all deserve a basic level of respect, and all else is a matter of compromise and justice. We can keep fairness in our relationships by not demanding anything of our partner we are unwilling to adhere to ourselves. In that spirit, we can compromise on most things as long as there are boundaries to what we will and will not accept. To begin to know our own personal boundaries, we must first know what it is we want. Knowing what we want defines what we absolutely do not want, and those things cannot, and should not, be compromised on. 

Responsible Parenting - Obviously this only applies if one or both of the people in a relationship have children. When that occurs, there are two main areas of concern. The first: if you are in a relationship with a single parent, your responsibility as a third party is to ensure that your partner is able to focus on his or her child first and foremost. You must be able to cope with the child as more of a priority than your relationship. Whatever the situation is with the child, you should be looking at your partner as a responsible provider and parent. If you notice signs of abuse, neglect, or trouble of any sort, this is a huge warning sign. Also, a parent who tells you that they no longer have, or never did have, a relationship with their biological child, is someone who should be avoided at all costs. Children are our responsibility from the time we create them and must be treated as such. If a parent can simply walk away from the blessings of biology, that speaks volumes for their character. Someone willing to damage a child's emotional health by their negligence and outright abuse is no one to allow near your children. Also, if your child is abused, emotionally, or physically, by your partner, you have the responsibility to take charge and ensure that your partner is never given another chance to do so again. This is your #1 job until your children are adults. Take it seriously, please.
The second: if the two of you share children, you both have roles and responsibilities in the parenting realm. Are these responsibilities shared? The answer to this should be easily answered by your children. Ask them if they see and do things with your partner as often as they'd like to. Answer it yourself. Do you feel that your partner gives your children the attention they deserve, or are you constantly having to question why x, y, or z was more important than taking the kids to the park or reading them a book?

Non-Threatening Behavior - A healthy relationship is completely free of threats. One should not be afraid of their partner, have to walk on eggshells to prevent an emotional flare-up, or live in fear of emotional retaliation (someone who uses guilt as a basis for controlling and manipulating another person). A healthy person asks for what they need, recognizes others' limitations and abilities, and knows when to rely on his or herself to provide those needs, rather than look to another. A healthy person does not use guilt-trips, hold someone on emotional hostage, or use threats as a way to provoke action.

Trust and Support - This can entail any situation within the ramifications of a relationship, but most importantly, we look to our romantic partners for a safe haven, an emotional and physical respite from the rest of the world. This is not an "Us Against the World" mentality (anyone who has to use that attitude is already in a failing relationship - there shouldn't be a reason to be stacked against the rest of the world). It is simply a recognition that you are able to come to your partner and share things with him or her in safety. You should know your partner isn't abusing your trust, that they treat your trust with integrity. You should know that you have a support system there when needed. If your partner is seeking you out for constant support but is incapable or unwilling to be there when you, in turn, need support, then you are with a partner who is looking for an enabler, not an equal. A relationship of the romantic nature is not like signing up to adopt a pet from the shelter. If you find yourself needing to constantly care for an unstable person, then you are better off finding someone more self-sufficient. A relationship shouldn't be a full-time job without benefits. Unhealthy people (and Qi Vampires - see previous blog post) rob us of our energy and drain the joy right out of our lives. It's up to you to get rid of these people and elevate yourself to a higher plane. Others are not your responsibility - they have the power to get professional help and change their lives around. You can't do it for them. Best not to waste your precious time trying and blaming yourself when you fail. 

Connections With Others - Many star-gazed romantics would love to believe that it only takes two to make a relationship work. Unfortunately, that's not really accurate in our practical world. No one should be expected to immediately take on a partner's friends and family as their own, nor spend a ton of time with either faction, but there eventually comes a time when reality sets it. Your partner's family especially, and friends definitely, have an influence of some kind over your partner. He or she respects and loves these people, and has looked to them for advice, support, and nurturing in the past - in most accounts, way before he or she met you. It is important that your partner's "others" like you and approve, and likewise, that your "others" like and approve of your partner. When they do, your partner is held accountable with these people to maintain good behavior to keep up the relationship. The Others are supporting and rooting for your coupledom. The Others are there to help, should you need them. And The Others will be, no matter your attitude on the matter, be spending time with you as a couple, and with your partner on his or her own. Isn't it vastly preferable to have connections with these people, too, rather than live on your side of the dividing line in contempt? Think about your Others. How many times have we had them say your partner was a "great" person, good luck to you both, I'm so happy for you? How many times, alternately, have you watched your Others attempt to warn you of red flags they have noticed, have given you the benefit of their wisdom because they sense trouble in your partnership, or have given up on talking sense into you and have therefore alienated you to figure things out on your own? Have you lost relationships with people close to you because you have chosen to stand beside a bad egg? Before you jump to rash judgments as a knee-jerk reaction to hitting sensitive spots, consider that your Others show their concern in different ways, but the root of it is always out of their love for you. When we don't care about someone, we likely don't care who they're wasting their time with, or who is damaging their life. Yet, when someone close to us is taking punches (literally and figuratively) we feel their pain, and we want it to stop. So ask yourself if your partner is someone your Others are proud of you for choosing, are happy to call a friend and family member as well, or are they patiently waiting for you to come to your senses and find that perfect partner they can feel good about including? 
Food for thought. 
A second consideration: the people your partner surrounds him or herself with, likewise, the people you surround yourself with, are a great indication of the person one is. If you think all of your partners buddies are jerks, chances are he shares a lot of those qualities, otherwise he wouldn't find camaraderie with those guys. If all of your friends are superficial and inconsistent, what do you think that says about you to outsiders? On the other hand, if you find that your friends are all people you trust and love to uplift you, then chances are you are an infectious person to be around. This is great news, no matter who your partner is. Likewise, if you believe all your partner's friends are good people who support him, who engage him in positive activities, then it sounds like you have nothing to worry about in that department. Unfortunately, if your partner is the anti-social type without friends, be prepared for a lot of unnecessary trouble. A friendless person raises a lot of red flags - why can this person not find connections with anybody but you? What does that tell you about his or her ability to maintain relationships? Also, that will likely entail a relationship where your partner is almost completely dependent on you, needing and wanting you to do every activity with him or her, and begrudging you your own private time or time with other people. Are you prepared to take on a remora-type relationship (unhealthy)? Or are you going to maintain your sense of freedom by choosing, instead, a partner who encourages your relationships with other people (healthy)?

Honesty and Accountability - We all owe it to ourselves to live a life of integrity, and our partners should be the first to be blessed by our honest living. We deserve a partner who will be honest with us in our dealings, both when we ask for the truth, and when we don't but they respect you enough to give it to you anyway. Honesty in words is nothing, though, without supplemental accountability. This entails that your partner is willing to prove his or her words are true and that he or she is worthy of the trust you have placed in them. When your partner screws up, he or she tells you so, immediately, and tries to rectify the situation. Apologies mean nothing without an action to correlate repentance and commitment to turning things around. Someone who is truly sorry for the mistakes they have made, hurts they have caused, will be motivated to take action to heal wounds, make things right, and show a trail of behavior that evidences their commitment to growth. 
Everyone makes mistakes, and nobody is perfect. One huge setback should not, in itself, be the severing of an otherwise healthy relationship, but we need to consider what our partner has learned from their mistake, which is how they hold themselves accountable for their actions. If the same cycles keep playing themselves out, how is this showing growth? Example: man lies, gets caught lying, and cries that he is sorry, so you forgive him. He does it again. Again, you forgive him and hope this time will bring a true change. But he's not showing you change. Does this sound familiar? It is easy to say you're sorry, and it is pleasant to hear from another that they are in the wrong. It even feels good, sometimes, to bestow forgiveness on someone and deliver them a second (or third, or fourth...) chance that another person has denied them. But this doesn't make you a saint; it makes you an enabler and a person who clearly doesn't respect his or herself. As I said before, it is important to establish boundaries, and when that person has tiptoed over your boundaries multiple times, you have only yourself to blame for continuing to spin your wheels with someone who has not shown the same commitment to you, or basic respect.
In another vein, consider your own grasp of honesty and accountability. Are you honest about your dealings with your partner? Or do you hide things from certain people (or all) because you're afraid of being judged, afraid of admitting your weaknesses, or afraid that you might hear a negative criticism that you are trying to hide from? Are you holding yourself accountable for your own responsibilities and actions in the relationship? If you cannot be honest to yourself about the reality of your situation, it's natural that you won't be honest with others. 

If you find yourself questioning where your relationship stacks up in one or two of these identifiers, it might be a good option to enroll in relationship counseling. A qualified counselor will be able to determine the overall health of your partnership and make suggestions as to improving communication and action in both parties, for the greater good of the relationship. If you find yourself nodding along with the healthy traits listed here, congratulate yourself (and your partner)! You should be the model your Others are using as a litmus test for their own partnerships. If, on the other hand, you find yourself going through stages of denial, anger, justification, and dismay over reading the negative traits, or noticing the lack of positive characteristics in your relationship, no amount of relationship counseling is going to salvage your relationship. Don't bother wasting your time, your money, or your energy on a partnership with a crumbling foundation. You owe it to yourself to find somebody who ADDS to your life, not takes away anything from it. A person you "love" should be bringing joy to your life, not causing drama and strife. And if you find yourself constantly going from relationship to relationship making excuses for yourself and your partner, it is worth considering taking some much-needed time to be alone - no dating, no sex, no relationship status whatsoever. Sometimes the greatest common denominator in a string of bad relationships is YOU. In that case, please take the time away to identify your levels of self-esteem, insecurity, and the baggage you're holding onto from previous experiences. You have to deal with these yourself before you can ever expect to have a happy and healthy relationship with somebody worthwhile.

For more in-depth analysis of your own personal situation, please feel free to contact me through the website, and I would be happy to set up a complimentary consultation and suggest options for your situation. Whether you choose relationship counseling, personal counseling, or to forego a nasty relationship altogether, I wish you the best of luck and the energy of positive love force in your life, forevermore! 

The subject of Qi Vampires has come up so much lately that I thought I'd take the time to write about them and share some relevant advice and comforting words with you, my cherished readers. 

First of all, what IS a Qi Vampire? Well, to put it simply, "Qi" (pronounced: Chi) is Chinese for "life force," and we're all well aware of what vampires are, right? So a Qi Vampire is someone who causes you to feel like they have sucked that life force right out of you, leaving you drained after you've been in their presence. This is the "friend" that calls you with a new drama every week, and keeps you on the phone talking about all her problems, inviting them to be your problems by default. This is the person who is so down on life that they seem to be stuck in a constant rut, perhaps unaware that their limitations are self-imposed. This may even be someone you love dearly but just can't seem to get it together, and rather than respectfully walk out of your life, he or she chooses to be a victim and desires you to cater to them. They make you feel sorry for them, they guilt you, they may even abuse you. I'm betting a mental image of someone specific just popped in your mind! We have all known them. But it is our personal choice whether to continue to keep them in our lives. 

And why do we want these Qi Vampires out of our lives? Because they really do more harm than good, no matter what excuses you provide for them to continue to suck you dry. Someone else's problems are NOT your problems, and you shouldn't make them so. Qi Vampires are notorious for wanting to unload on other people, for someone to share the burden they carry. While this may seem like a natural form of relief, it does nothing beneficial for your own energy, and will lower your energy vibration, bringing you down a level (or more), and inviting the same tensions, anxieties, stresses, and problems into your own life.

The first step in ridding yourself of a Qi Vampire is to FORGIVE them. They may not know what they do to you, but regardless, it is your responsibility to clear your own vibration of that negative energy. The great part is that they don't even have to know you are forgiving them; this can be a private matter.  One of my own favorite ways of practicing forgiveness is to write a letter to that person, describing all of the emotions I am feeling about a situation the person has put me in. The idea is to let it all out in this letter, and not to censor yourself, because the person will never be reading it anyway. When the letter is finished, you sign it at the bottom, "Forgiven and Released!" and then you burn it. Watching it burn and turn to ash is a physical manifestation of your emotional processing. You should feel good as it burns, because you are releasing that energy into the Universe and getting it off your back. It's done now, and you are declaring to the Universe that you refuse to let this person/situation harm you any longer. 

The second step in ridding yourself of Qi Vampires is to walk away from them. So you really have two choices: the first is to explain to that Qi Vampire that you are focusing on improving your life and cannot afford to be involved in negative situations, even if that means only listening to negative things. This might cause you to feel like you're abandoning this person, but what you're really doing is forcing them to feed on someone else, or take the high road and fix their issues rather than spread the energy to innocent bystanders. Either way, it's again, not your problem. The second choice is just to simply distance yourself from the Qi Vampire, becoming unavailable for meetings or chats on the phone, and eventually they'll get the hint that you are no longer available as a feeding post. It's natural to feel guilty about walking away from somebody you care about. You are conditioned to feel guilty about leaving someone you feel you can help. Here's the kicker, though: you are actually helping them more by walking away from them, because there's a greater chance they will work on their issues rather than despair in them. What's more important, though, is that you recognize the priority of cherishing your own well being over theirs. Qi Vampires have no clear sense of how their problems affect other people. They don't care how their feedings take away your vital energy, your time and attention away from yourself and your family. So why should you regard their needs as greater than your own? There is a huge difference between people truly in need of your assistance and people who take advantage of their host as a constant feeding source (coming to you to get their "fix").  

Forgiveness is essential to growth, for it is only harming the person who holds that negative energy within, but forgiveness is not attached to obligation. You are not obligated to continue a relationship with those who harm your well being. Those who lower your vibration by stripping you of your energy. Those who wear the mask of friend but who do not hold themselves accountable to any laws of integrity. Therefore, it is better for your growth, health, mental ease, and peace of mind, to sever ties with those offenders without giving excuses. In contrast, when you allow Qi Vampires to remain in your life, however casually, you are telling the Universe, "I want more of this. I'm surrounding myself with this, so this must feel good to me." You unwittingly cheat yourself out of happiness. The Universe provides only more of what you place importance on, and when you think about bad things because they are continually making themselves known (by your permission, I might add) then the Universe gives you more of what you allow. Conversely, when you surround yourself and place attention only upon those who serve your growth and raise you up vibrationally, more helpful, loving, joy-filled people come into your life, and there simply isn't room for Qi Vampires. 

Friends, I would never pass along any wisdom I wasn't confident in from tried and true experience. Not all that long ago I was an unfortunate victim of Qi Vampires, and they had infiltrated my closest circle of "friends." It took years of compounded experiences that left me wondering "why me?" to realize that those I counted as my confidantes were no longer serving me. Every day with these Qi Vampires was some new drama, some crisis, some reason to constantly moan about their "bad luck" and complain rather than help themselves out of problems. They weren't happy at their jobs, but they weren't motivated to look for new ones or go to school to acquire the education necessary to obtain better jobs. They never seemed to have enough money to pay their bills, but they had plenty of money to throw away on things detrimental to their health and peace of mind (unhealthy food, cigarettes, alcohol, mindless "entertainment"). They were plagued with health problems, bratty children, relationships that went nowhere, etc. Its effect on my energy levels can be felt even as I simply think back to those times. I made a pledge never to feel exhausted by relationships again. If you are feeling depleted and don't have a well from which to fill back up, then what is the point of having that person in your life? I no longer have Qi Vampires plaguing me and for over a year now, I've never felt better. I want the same for you. You are cared for. You are loved. You deserve to feel at peace and reap the benefits of being connected with Beings of higher vibrations. When you witness this transformation, you'll never want to go back to the way things used to be. Now, isn't that a comforting thought? :) 

Namaste and the best of the Universe's blessings to you all!